Thanksgiving Tape 1 - Client C1A.84

(Beep. Music fades in.)

You know, once upon a time, I was really into Thanksgiving. Or what I thought of as Thanksgiving. I was a pretty out of touch kid living in my own little fantasy world, and in that world, Thanksgiving was just about eating and cooking. It was an excuse to have both Mom and Dad home from work back when everyone got along. Back before Dad died. 

But that was a long time ago. And the memory is starting to wear thin and become more dream-like. Irony of that aside. But even if those memories were as intact as those of yesterday, even with a loving partner, it’s hard to recreate that sense of warmth and safety that my dad carried with him. I mean, that sort of feeling is easy to evoke in a child and not so much a cynical adult. My soul runs cold instinctively. 

The odds are not in my girlfriend’s favor. This year there is an overwhelming pressure to make this day special for her. And while it has its downsides, a lovingly-made meal is still a lovingly-made meal. And stories of all those times I spent cooking with my dad are still beautiful stories to share with loved ones. There’s still some scraps I can pull from this wreckage. 

But the dreams have made it very clear that doing so can be hard sometimes.

(Music fades out. Beep. Music fades in.)

For me, Thanksgiving has never been a theatrical affair. Our family was small both by choice and not choice. Logistics, I mean. It could be hard to get together. And then people would be jerks, and no one would want to get together. No one in my family could be considered all that innocent, by many standards. And consequently, we were all living in what could be considered a pile of consequences, the result of actions undertaken by us or other people.

So in many ways, my words right now are going to mean almost nothing to you. I can’t understand what it is you have lost. 

There’s that Le Miz song, I don’t know how familiar you are, that goes “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables and now my friends will sing no more.” Or something like that. I don’t have the range for it. I think a lot of us who like that song know we like it in a perverse sort of way. It is a sad song. It’s meant to be. It is a song of lamentation and mourning for those who did not make it to the table. 

They are wanted, but they are gone. They went searching for an objective good, for revolution and freedom, but they did not make it back. This loss in the musical is a straightforward one. It is simple. It is a desire for companionship that will forever go unfulfilled because youthful hope could not be realized.

You, on the other hand, do not know what to feel. They brought you so much strife and hurt, but they are still your family. They were thrust into a space that cannot easily be filled by other people. And it is unfortunate that they did not handle the responsibility with more care. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I know others have said this, but the joy of spending this holiday with someone who genuinely loves you doesn’t negate the sadness you feel over the love you didn’t get from other people or in other positions. In fact, it can almost feel like all of that time is wasted without yield or return, so you have lost what is rightfully yours and all you spent trying to get it. I would say that’s fairly accurate. I would wonder, in fact, how you could ever feel any other way. 

There were things you should have had. And you didn’t. Other people will spend this holiday being grateful for such things. You cannot. You cannot feel that way because you did not have them. And in many ways, this holiday will serve as a reminder of that loss and pain. You feel it, and that is fair. It is your right to feel this way. 

I understand that. And she would too, if you told her and did not leave the sadness as a phantom hanging in the air over you both.

It is hard being vulnerable. I get it. That’s like my life motto. Or it was. I have learned better, and it’s worth it to lower your defenses. Not just because it will help your relationship grow, but because, simply put, she cannot help you with your heartaches unless she knows what they are. But more than that, if she does not know what these specters are that haunt your home, she will project something else onto them, and she will make them carriers for her fears. Her fears will take on a more physical form, and then they will have the power to devour you both.

Empty chairs at empty tables. Name those who are meant to sit there, and let every chair be accounted for.

(Music fades out. Beep. Music fades in.)

My girlfriend’s mother will be video-chatting with us. She is fascinated by these traditions. And my recipes. 

Before this, it hurt to look at these recipe cards. They were my dad’s. They were a part of him. They are his final gift to me. And all those hours when he taught me how to read and use them. I think of all of that when I look at these cards, but there is nothing like a home cooked meal. There is nothing like giving that to someone. 

And her joy is the best thing I could ever ask for. And I am grateful for it.

(Music fades out. Beep.)

This has been part 1 of the Oracle of Dusk Thanksgiving special. A small way I can say thank you to my listeners. Stay tuned to your podcast feeds for more.