Hero - Tape 5

(Beep.)

I know this isn’t enough, but words are going to fail me no matter what. So maybe I should just say it. I am sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss. And I can’t say that enough. But I lament every misery or bit suffering you experience in your life.

(Music fades in.)

I have seen some truly horrible things. I can’t even begin to… I won’t even try to explain them to you or anyone. But there is a special type of terror that comes with the ones where my teeth fall out. 

I mean it’s a simple dream, yes, but the meaning of the imagery is what is so horrible. To have that dream means something terrible is going to happen, and I can’t do anything about it. But I mean, it’s not a real warning, I was told. It was a simple declaration of facts. Someone will die, and there will be a great sadness, but beyond the deprivation that comes with the death of a loved one there is nothing more that could be done. There will be unfinished business, no things left to say. Just loss. Just grief. And sadness. We may invent what-ifs after the fact. but they are inaccurate. And I think I am meant to remind people of that.

But as simple as that is, that isn’t something I think I can do. I just can’t enter into that: this fire, that…. That nightmare. Any of it.

Maybe, maybe I’m just being dramatic, I guess. Or I’m letting my own hurt get in the way of whatever progress I could usher into the world. It’s not just all the people who have died around me. It’s not just that I don’t do well with mourning. But that I don’t do well with powerlessness. Or with power. I’m just not great at anything. Pretty much.

It’s hard to explain, though. Rationally, I know that I should not dwell on those dreams or any dream. But those in particular because there is nothing I can do. No way I can prevent the passing, and it’s often not a passing that I should prevent. It’s just sitting in the moment with the bereaved, but maybe it could have been different with you, I guess. Because with the falling of teeth, well they come out of my mouth in the dreams. And sometimes I’m alone in them. I’m alone in some sort of abyss. Even if the soon to be departed isn’t someone I personally know, someone I may have never met, it’s my teeth that convey the message. It is a loss that will happen to someone important to me. I might not feel the resulting hurt, but I will see it. And apparently that’s a strong enough connection for this. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I will see the resulting hurt. And as someone with a strong empathetic tendency, I will feel it but in a different way. Maybe that is why I get these dreams at all. Maybe we are all supposed to brace ourselves for what is about to come and it somehow includes me in this really indirect way. That would make sense, I guess. 

In one of the dreams as my teeth spilled forth into my hands, I looked up and saw you in the abyss with me. And I instantly knew. Well, I knew something. I knew it would be your loss. But the rest was up in the air. Even the parts that you would think would be in my control. Like what I was going to say to you. But that’s the hardest part. And I guess I could have started by looking into your family, looking through your social media, piecing together your life to see where the weak point was. Then I could tell you. I just had to get deeper into this. Maybe have another one of those dreams, even if that dream would be worse.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

This was never some party trick to you. Some would say it was harmless. And I can see why. On some accounts they would be right. But this was my life we were talking about, and you took this burden just as seriously as I did. And you tried to comfort me, but the only real comfort you could offer was freeing me from whatever obligation I had to you. 

You didn’t want to know your future, you said. You especially did not want to hear it from me.  But you hoped that I didn’t dream about you all at. And if I did, you said, I didn’t have to tell you. If I could wake myself up, I had your permission to do so. But if I could not, I did not have to think about it anymore. I did not have to look into. I did not have to try. There was no need to worry about you.

And I would have woken myself up, but the dream is so quick and the message so clear, at least to me, that there is no time. But according to my girlfriend, there’s no waking me up from that nightmare. On the other side, I am stiff. My eyes are open. And it turns out to be a nightmare for her too. So maybe I should have reached out to you. Maybe I should have reached out to you to mitigate her pains, but I don’t know. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I saw the obituary come up on my social media. When you shared it in a simple ,matter of fact way. You broke the usual facade of a manufactured digital persona with a simple declaration to those who knew her that she was gone. Peacefully. And that life has moved in this direction. This was not you putting out an open sore for display. This was not a cry for attention. This was a simple presentation of a reluctant truth. Things still were as they were, and they needed to be seen as much because of their character. There are some adjustments that need to be made accordingly. That it would be in poor form to ask about her now. And maybe celebrations of her life as donations to her favorite charities needed to be arranged. 

And this was how I always knew you to be. Plain and matter of fact. Not content or resigned but something in between those things. You find value in what is there and make no pressing demands on other people. You have no delusions of entitlements. Particularly any that involve me. 

I did not need to worry about you, you said. You would find your own peace. And I know that. Everyone can do it,  but not all do. And you promised me you would. And that I could believe. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I did not want to tell you. I couldn’t bring myself to. I woke up from that dream, from your face, and resolved to say nothing about it, until it had come to pass. I would offer no assurances to you. I would offer no warning. I would try to piece together what the larger message was. And I suppose, given certain facts, there was something inevitable about it. It was an observation, you could say a bit coldly. Perhaps overly so. But what could I have done by entangle myself in your woes. And for so long I thought that was my destiny: the miseries of others absorbing all that I am. I had never known an alternative. Until you gave me one. 

You who had given me so much. Who could have demanded so much more of me, asked for nothing. Nothing but my own happiness. And that dream, the quest to find out more, would have brought me nothing of the sort, so I let it go. I opened my hand and let it fall away. 

Peace be with you, good soul. May you find the peace you brought me. But I know I cannot create it for you.

(Music fades out. Beep. New music fades in)

The Oracle of Dusk has a Patreon account! With a new tier. Bonus clients. There’s also the dream journal. As in a retelling of season 1 from a behind the scenes perspective with a lot more of Delphi’s girlfriend if you’re interested in that. So now might be the time to check it out. Maybe subscribe?

(Music fades out)

The Oracle of Dusk is a Miscellany Media Studios Production. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful Music Supply. If you like the show, please consider leaving a review or telling your friends about it. And check out Aishi Online, the story of the voice you know all too well.