Hero - Tape 3

(Beep. Music fades in)

I have been getting all your emails. But it must not seem like it. Or maybe you were hoping I wasn’t because that would be a better outcome. I don’t want to think about that. But it doesn’t take much does it to see what’s going on does it? I mean, I was there when a lot of those pieces were set up. I know how the game will go.

I should known and then done better. How many times have I dragged us down this road? Too many. Then again one is too many, so that doesn’t say all that much while still saying everything.

In my defense, I don’t know how to respond to any of your message. That’s why I haven’t. It’s not so much a deliberate choice as it is a product of my many limitations. The worst one being that I haven’t read them all. I think I know what they all say, but I must confess I have not read them. However, the broader thematic under-pinings of your messages have been well-established. And I often think that’s the part I should be responding to. Maybe the actual manifestations or the details aren’t so important. 

Or maybe that’s just a really bad excuse. Maybe I should answer at least one of your emails from start to end. And then I can say whatever I want. I couldn’t even say whatever I wanted then. Who am I kidding?

Tapes like this aren’t a great way for us to communicate, I know. Well, you’re emailing and I’m making tapes. So in this communication we’re essentially having two simultaneous one way conversations. Which is even worse.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Except, you are listening to me. You are trying to respond to me the best way or only way you can. And yes, I did change my phone number recently. It was more a necessity than anything. But I hadn’t had a chance to give you that new number. That’s a quick email to send you, right? Should take all of five seconds. If that. And I’m still not sending it.

Look, to fill in some gaps, I didn’t expect you to hear the tapes I made for you. Or the rest of them Never mind all the client sessions. That’s my mistake. Of course you were listening. You have always heard me, even when I am crying. You can still make out the words beneath the surface. You out in the effort to. You were the first person to value my words and my voice. So of course you’re here now, hearing me. I really didn’t anticipate it, though, even if I should have. I should have kept that trust in you, and I do.

And I do, but it's the trust in myself that comes and goes. It goes beyond old habits. I might actually be wired this way. I don’t know. But when I was growing up, life kept happening, and I kept getting kicked by it. And I don’t know how much of that normal childhood development I was able to do. Probably little. This is the fallout. I guess. 

I’m sorry.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

My girlfriend got this promotion at work the other day. She really had to fight for it, too and I knew she was going to hit this new level in her career. At this company or another one because she wasn’t going to take their no as a hard one. She is pretty amazing like that. I think I’ve said that. 

When we met, I could never imagine that she would even consider me. And I was okay with that. There was just this comfort in knowing that she existed. That with so much going wrong in the world, there she was. Right there. Where I could see her. And I did like looking at her. Which seems creepy and maybe is. 

But until her, I had felt like I was drowning. That’s my default state: submerged in a giant body of water with no floor to kick myself off of, struggling to paddle. On second thought, I think that’s a common metaphor for depression, but this wasn’t meant to be about depression. This was supposed to be about me not having much of a chance to learn how to be a functioning adult. Like, in this metaphor everyone else around me is swimming, and I’m flailing. And I can probably keep my head above water if I just don’t think about how tired I’m getting.

She gave me something to think about that wasn’t my exhaustion. When she smiled or even just told me she was happy about something, suddenly there was this shoreline ahead of me or a lighthouse. There was something ahead of me that I could keep moving towards. Maybe I would never get there, but I was essentially learning how to swim by finally doing it. 

Besides picking me and the bad taste involved, my girlfriend is perfectly well-adjusted or at least, she’s free from the malicious dysfunction that I keep running into. That’s not the type of person you’d think I’d end up with. I mean, you would hope for it, but the odds--because I am the one wielding them--are never in my favor on that front

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

She asked me out. We frequented the same coffee shop. I’m a caffeine addict, so I was there out of necessity. And she was working there. Not as a barista. I mean she was doing her job there. Working remotely. Oline. Telecommuting. All those things. She probably wasn’t supposed to be. I mean, the shop didn’t care, but her workplace might of. They all get one remote work day, but she didn’t want to work in her terrible apartment. But workplace liability insurance or whatever that is only covered her terrible apartment. The coffee shop was infinitely safer for her, but I doubt anyone would have thought that through. 

We locked eyes across the shop a couple times. By that, I mean, she probably got me staring or struggling to keep my eyes open. 

Have you ever been so tired that your eyes physically pain you? That’s where I am sometimes. 

Over the course of a few weeks, we moved closer to each other. She moved over one table from her usual one first. And then I did. I thought it was okay because she was taking the lead. But she didn’t know all the problems I had. I did. The informed choice was mine to make.

I cannot help but think the big step in our relationship will be her meeting you. Which, as I have said, she really wants to do. And I guess when you see us as a cohesive unit, I will feel better about this. I always felt better about having your approval about literally anything. But that’s why I’m holding back.

In your emails, do you suggest days we could go down and see you? I’m sure you do. I’m sure you have figured out that you can help me fix this. And I need to fix it because deep seated insecurities are great at running relationships into rocks. And you wanted me to be free from the rocks. You want me to be happy. Away from them. I’m just not good at that sort of thing, am I? 

I’m sorry.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I still remember all the things you said to me. Like the time you warned me that things can come back. You told me to keep your assurances close to my chest. Let them be a shield against my demons. And sometimes they work. But sometimes I forget to hold them up

I’m sorry.

(Music fades out. Beep.)