Father - Tape 2

(Beep. Music fades in)

Through it all, I’ve never doubted that you loved me. Even after all this time. Not every kid can say that. And not every kid should. But I know this is true. You had your weakness, I guess, but you loved me as much as you could. That’s really all I could ask of you. But in saying that, is it wrong of me to be so frustrated with Mom? Am I holding you both to different standards? She did love me as much as she could, or sometimes I think that.  When I remember how hard her life was. And losing you had only made it harder. And no one had modeled any proper emotional regulation for her. 

I don’t know. There were times when she genuinely let me down. A lot of people have, yes, so she’s not alone in that, but it should have been different with her. Or it always felt like it should have been. Maybe I just romanticized what the aftermath of loss was supposed to be like.  There was this sense in which I expected it to be more like what I would see on TV or in movies. Sure, there’s hardships at first, but then things work out or get resolved. Then, after that, everything is okay. Better than okay. At first, we would fight, but then we would be locked together in a way that couldn’t be undone or understood.That’s starting to sound a little silly.

You know, though, I called her the other day. About something else… It feels like we are better now. With some distance. It feels like it could be better overall. But I don’t know if I want it to be. Not anymore.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

My therapist would try to get me to write letters to you to articulate my feelings, but I couldn’t handle it. I don’t doubt she was right, in theory. I mean, hey look what I’m doing now, but I guess… No, I don’t know. My therapist, on the other hand,  knew I wasn’t ready. And so she shifted her focus to try and get me ready: to get me to face your memory and all that it is to me. The letters would come later.

She’s pretty great as far as therapists go. I’ve had some bad ones, but I can’t say I’ve had any better than her. I just I don’t know if she believes in the dreams. She can be hard to read sometimes, and I guess that’s part of therapy. Or an important part. But the dreams are a huge part of my life. Like… Maybe. Maybe there is someone out there who needs couple’s therapy with the ghost that hangs around. So the therapist for them would have to believe in ghosts, right?  Well, that dude and I have a lot in common. We could probably be friends.

My therapist, though, at least understands that they are beliefs I need to keep. And it is the fallout of that we have to deal with, and I need to keep a belief in a certain dream. That very specific dream. And if you can hear me, you know which one I’m talking about.

You know I need it. She knows I need, and I’m glad she can see that the alternative is so much worse. Because that can be hard to believe.

But all the same, I don’t tell her everything. That’s a big no no for therapy, I know, but on the other hand, skepticism is going to derail our progress. So I don’t want to risk. This has been my reality for so long, and there are just… There’s just. There’s this point that people can’t keep telling me it’s a coincidence. Because there’s too many coincidences.  I… I passed that line several years ago, and I hate that nobody wants to acknowledge that.

I probably should tell her about the worst of the dreams. But I don’t. Those are the ones I hold back on. They have a serious impact on my mental well being, and that’s--like--her job. But I always hold back. It doesn’t feel relevant when there’s nothing she can do about them. She can’t make the dreams stop. And we talk about the fears they tap into it. So there’s that. It’s the same thing, isn’t it? We talk about my fears and self-perceptions... We talk about the things that make the dreams so devastating. It’s just the issue of prophecy that I leave at home. 

It’s not like she can make them stop, anyway. It… She really can’t. That’s not in her job description. Is it in yours? I think that ship sailed a while ago, didn’t it?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I’m not angry at you. Maybe I should be. The prevailing theory is that you caused it. But I don’t know. I don’t think it matters. I can easily believe that you did though. It lines up with other pieces. But regardless, you didn’t mean for any of this to happen. And you probably feel guilty. I mean, I feel guilty all the time, and I am just a passenger along for the ride. 

But you’re my dad, and I’m sure it’s hard for you to see that I am not doing great. I mean, let’s set aside the issues and conversations about my accomplishments and ability to hold down this relationship which you who had multiple failed marriages should be impressed with. It’s the basic stuff that I’m struggling with. I’m not sleeping properly. My girlfriend has to remind me to eat, etc, etc. Those basic things are the ones I can’t keep up with.

And it is because of those dreams. They make it hard to sleep, and sleeping turns out to be a critical part of our existence that when it goes awry, it takes everything out with it. 

It’s hard, but… I don’t have anything to finish that sentence with.

It’s hard. She makes it better. And I can’t help but think if you were alive, you wouldn’t care about that. But I don’t know because none of this would have been happening. Maybe. Possibly.  But there’s thing I remember, and Mom remembers too, there was that time in the car when you made this comment about you being able to accept anything if I gave you enough time and was open enough about it. I had made some stupid comment. And that was your response. 

It… It was the sort of thing a child tosses out there as a joke based on something she saw on television when you weren’t watching her. And she doesn’t understand that you don’t have that frame of reference to understand what was supposed to be funny.

Is that why you took it so seriously? Or did you see an opportunity?

I just have to trust you, you said. That’s all. You would return the favor in kind. I remember you saying that. And sometimes when I play that memory back, it sounds like you were telling me you knew something about me before I did. Like you knew I was this way before I told you. Before I could ever tell. And you wanted to be sure that I knew I could. But I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading too much into a coincidence. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I went out with my girlfriend today. As in we both played hooky from our jobs just to enjoy the autumn air. And while we were in a park, we saw a couple faces familiar to me.

It was like I couldn’t breathe. Do you remember how you hoped I wouldn’t inherit your asthma? Well, same thing but different, I guess.

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is written, acted, and edited by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show, please consider leaving a review, joining the Patreon or buying the oracle a Ko-Fi. Links for all of it in the show notes.