Client UC.88M - Session 3

(Beep. Music fades in).

Wow, so you’re finally interested in my opinions. Can’t say I’m that surprised. Well, yes and no. Of course, you would come to me when everything was at its worst and you were absolutely desperate for some sort of help because that’s how this sort of thing always goes. Now normally, people use religion, but that’s a loaded topic for you. So your friendly neighborhood oracle is going to have to be the next best thing, right? Or poor choice of words.

(sigh) But it is what it is. We’re apparently stuck together, and now that you’re at a point where you are willing to listen to me, then we have a chance at getting through this sooner rather than later.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

So first off, I’ll say that what’s done is done. I.e. the master’s degree is now completed and your withdrawal form has also been submitted. The groveling from various university officials is done. And well, that was the easy thing to ignore, right? They were stand-offish if not outright rude to you in the past, so consequences of their actions were that you did not care. And I really liked the poetic way you thought of it. Not that it’s an appropriate thing for a podcast young people might be listening to, but hey, sometimes you’ve got to pull out the adult language to prove a point. And I will make a note of that for non-podcast usage.

See, we do have things in common. Somewhat. It’s just the sort of thing that isn’t so obvious. So let’s take that path and walk on it a little further, shall we? And no, that metaphor didn’t make a great deal of sense. They can’t all be winners, and you should know that all too well.

You’ve already told… pretty much no one that actually matters to you. Way to go. And that’s not even me being sarcastic, is it? Like your mentors found out when you submitted the form, so while it’s great they were so understanding and gracious about it, eh, you could have handled that whole thing a lot better.

And now you’re irritated again. Angry. Defensive because you perceive an offensive statement, and you need to guard yourself. That’s what you learned to do, right? And it was a lesson that you had no say in. It’s just how your life was: full of offenses to your defense.s And you could decide what your defense was going to be, but there’s a finite number of choices in that. Consequently, you started to walk around with your arms raised, hands in fists, ready to strike someone else before you got hit. 

I should add that this was just a facade, right? You weren’t going to strike first, but if someone did not know better  didn’t know you better, they  would believe that lie, so they’ll think twice or three times about striking, right? That’s really what you’re after. Prevention. Because you can’t handle being hurt again. Not again. Not again and again and again and again. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Neither of us know what figurative ‘again’ we’re at now. You haven’t been keeping track, and I have no way of knowing how many times exactly you’ve been hurt or let down or struck first, but I get the sense that it’s been a lot of times, right? And your gender identity might be a go-to excuse for some people, but you know, you’re not out to a lot of people and you haven’t been out for that long. So that clearly isn’t the source of everything. 

Really, if you want my opinion…. And yes, you do. You should stop looking for reasons why people do these things. In my experience, there’s never a great one anyway, and sometimes--when you get down to it--all you find out is that you had the misfortune of falling into this world surrounded by a lot of people that are actually pretty terrible in a variety of ways. People who were always going to hurt you no matter who you were or became or what you identified as because the goal in and of itself was to hurt you. 

Or it was to hurt someone. And you had a body. And you existed in that space, so you fit the bill.

And here’s where I could remind you that not everyone is like that. I could try to assure you that there’s more good than bad, but sometimes placement matters, and right now, I can’t do anything about placement. I could get you to up and move, which would technically help, but  it’s also not my choice. It has to be yours.

What I can say is that this wasn’t about you. And if this defensive facade was the only change to who you are that occurred, then you won, in many regards. You don’t actually strike; you only lead people to believe that you are capable of such. And then they get to know you, and they see how soft and sweet your heart really is. And by then, you trust them, and they make you feel safe.

Now this whole thing that you do can be hard to endure, I can say that as a dispatch from the other side, but it’s because I understand it. I understand the implications of it, the challenges you find yourself in that feel specific to your situation, and the cracks in your foundation that maybe even you have not noticed. It doesn’t make it any less painful for me, and I may lash out at you. But when I can catch myself, when I stop and think about it, I understand.

And part of what I understand right now is that this main coping mechanism of yours. The bravado, the resistance, the appearance, whatever you want to call it, is not going to work right now. You want it to. You would do anything for it to work, but at the end of the day, it can’t. 

Look, I wouldn’t call this whole graduate school thing a failure. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But other people will. And there’s going to be the pretense of a reason for them to do what they’re going to do. What they’ve always done. And whether or not you want to admit it, it’s what they would have done anyway.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

But you don’t want to admit it. Instead, you wanted to make a deal with me, right? You wanted me to actually give you a script on what to say to them. You wanted my voice or a text script of some sort, and in that, you would have had a makeshift shield. Because it wouldn’t be your words they’re criticising, it would be mine, and clearly I can handle it, right? I could handle you, and I don’t know them. So that wasn’t so bad. At all.

And in exchange? Well, it was an open offer in the sense that it was an offer that was not specified. Because you had not thought about that part. Also  you could just not pay on that, right? You wouldn’t have done that, but that thought, that assurance, that assumption that this was a debt that could not be collected upon, made it possible for you to move past the thought. To survive. To get through it all. It’s not like I would care, right? Do I seem like the type to care?

So in theory, I could do that for you, you might be thinking. I could write this script out, but in actuality, I can’t. Genuinely. Because it’s not in your benefit for me to do that.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

There is an exchange that should be made, but I’m not a party in that transaction. I’m only a spectator. There are things that should be given up and things that could be gained. But it’s the sort of thing you’ve wanted to avoid. For so long. From so many choices. After so much work. 

The sunk cost fallacy would tell you to prioritize all you’ve already invested and what you put those resources in. All those relationships that now you’re trying to protect, not thinking about why or what it would mean. Even though you’re anticipating, your fliniching from what will come next. but as for me, I would say… (sigh) I would say screw that, screw all of that, and screw them. 

There’s your script.

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?