Client UC.88M - Session 2

(Beep. Music fades in.)

Okay, Apparently I need to defend my honor as an oracle now. Thank you for that. Look, I know where you are in this whole graduate school process. You’re going to wrap up the master’s degree portion during the summer session and then you’re done. The paperwork is practically turned in, isn’t it? And I do know your field of study and your specialization, but if you really insist on me going into the details, you're either going to (one) dox yourself or (two) make it so that your friends and family are not going to find out about this sudden redirect from your own mouth but from mine, which is going to have implications. Well, further implications.

When are you going to tell them anyway? Don’t look at me. I can’t know that. That’s more of a future thing than anything else. So not my business, but just as a pro tip, do not make the random oracle with a podcast do your dirty work. You’re going to want to do this yourself. (muttering) If you can pull yourself together.

(Pause)

Hey, you started this. And then I kept it going. Okay, fair enough. Neither of us are innocent here.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

It isn’t that I don’t understand that you're stressed out about this whole thing. It’s that I don’t appreciate being on the receiving end of your stress. And that’s just a human reaction, you know? We get shoved, and we want to shove back harder because if I get them before they get me, then I have a chance to not be got. 

Now, it’s not a great chance, mind you. Maybe don’t bet on it or anything. But it’s worth a shot. When you’re panicking and there’s a fear surrounding your wellbeing or your perception of security, it really is worth the chance. Because in that state of mind, you think destruction is guaranteed unless you do something. And any odds are better than that.

Now, you will be quick to add in your somewhat rude tone--thanks for that--that this is not like that. There’s no way it could be like that, you want to say. Because you aren’t actually risking anything by many standards. You could get a job after this, you say with a nervous chuckle because… General state of the world right now. But you aren’t completely without options. But that wasn’t even what I was talking about, but on that note, the anxiety about that I feel even thinking about it vicariously is… is really thick right now. 

But I should say, that is tangentially related to the thing that I actually was thinking about. Namely, the social aspect of it. The act of telling people and having to face their reactions. See, it’s not so much that you yourself would be destroyed but the connections to other people could potentially be wrought. The bridges that--admittedly--get somewhat neglected in the graduate school process but still exist may not exist for long if this does not go well.

And if they get destroyed, well then, you’re adrift, maybe. Which then leads to other problems later right? It’s the first of many steps, you think. And whether or not it’s rational to see all of those connections, there’s still a noticeable loss with that first step. So there’s a guaranteed hurt. Potentially.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You feel so much anger lately. It’s odd. You weren’t usually an angry person. But this fire burns within you now. I know this, and yet I still took offense at your critical attacks on me. Because that’s just it, the tree doesn’t get to decide if it gets burnt. The flame comes close, it touches the bark, and then sparks.

And you have reasons to be angry. We all have reasons to be angry right now. But it’s slightly different for you. It isn’t an anger directed outward, it’s an anger directed towards the path itself and towards the younger version of yourself that set out on this path. The one that chose to tinker with an advanced degree and then picked the path with the multi-year commitment, but they couldn’t have known who you would become. In fact, they had only recently  started going by ‘they’ at all.

But then again, what choice did you have? For all its problems, this place could have been a refuge. No where else can guarantee that. Many whereelses will guarantee the opposite. You chose that chance for safety, not fully realizing what the price would be.

So of course you would be angry. How could you not be? You were trapped. Locked in a corner. And publishing material is a potential way to lash out at it all. If you had the patience for it. But not everyone does. 

That’s just another box you don’t neatly fit into. But at least,  that one hurts less, I think. From what I can tell or what I would expect. But admittedly, I can’t fully know.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

And there are a bunch of people who also don’t know about that part. The friends you have now, they know. The ones from your current school. A few from your younger college days do, but that’s about it. The people back home, your family, and all that. With them, it’s never come up. Or you never brought it up. This particular form of the conversation needs a little push to come into being. 

And you were the only one who would know to give it that tug, but it’s not that I don’t understand why you did not. I think I would have likely made the same choice. It’s just that… Well, there are... there are consequences to everything. You know. I mean, you do know but (sigh) Sometimes I think it’s worth reiterating that no matter how inevitable something is no matter how necessary, there will always be consequences, and you can;t pretend otherwise. You should not pretend otherwise. That’s only going to… well, there can always be an interest accrued on your ills and misfortunes, unfortunately, and I do mean that literally or figuratively. That sort of thing really does suck. Apparently we as human beings are great at building structures that perpetuate misery. Or at least the misery of others.

And that’s not fair. I know it’s not fair. And throwing my hands up and adding, ‘well, there’s nothing I personally can do about it’ would have to be one of the worst things I could say right now. And I don’t want to hurt you. Even when you really irritate me, I do not want to hurt you. I think. And while it sometimes can’t be avoided because I cannot know what you need or how to help you. Well, there’s… There’s one band-aid I can help you rip off: the whole graduate school thing. I wouldn’t call it dropping out, but there might be a limitation of language. I agree. You should leave. I think it’s the right choice for you. 

So if you could stop attacking me, that would be swell.

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?