Client U20.ND18 - Session 5
(Beep. Music fades in)
Certainty can be hard to get. Until it isn’t. Suddenly you have it. But then things become hard in some other way. And then you’re grasping for a different set of straws, which you then get, and a new certainty is found. It’s a pattern of sorts. A routine. Comforting in some ways, but transitions can be hard.
(Music fades out and new music fades in)
Nothing will ever be the same, you say to yourself. Bare minimum, you’re in a newer place with fewer connections. Those relationships you cherished in university will never come to you again. And if you stick to your promise to stay off of social media--which I think is a good one and I personally recommend--you will never see them again. And that seems hard to even imagine in so many regards. Even if it didn’t hurt that still would be hard to imagine.
Changes are difficult to fully conceptualize. By their very nature. We’re asking our brain to replace a known with an unknown. That’s not something it would ever willingly do. And it ends up being a debate of sorts. An insistence. A resistance. Then again, and so on and so forth. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that. Really, nothing about this is under your control. It’s not just what happened around you. It’s not just what they chose to do. It’s a glitch in who we are. A defect that can never be patched away.
(Music fades out and new music fades in)
Will you let me tell you a story? From my own life? (Pause) I know you will. I know you find some comfort in being able to step away for a moment.
There was one person in college I had always expected to reconnect with one day. We weren’t friends, per say. We dwelt in the same space and were compatible enough, but we never would have chosen to spend time together if there was a more… If there was a choice with more options. Our university was pretty big, but even still, there was a limitation there that brought us together. And then comes graduation when you get the opportunity to move on with your life and everything is so much more open and vast. Everything is available to you. Or her. And me. So why would we have ever chosen each other?
We wouldn’t have. Clearly. And we did not. But that was still surprising to me. Somehow.
Not rationally. Rationally I knew what was coming. It was just that I couldn’t imagine not having the option of talking to her.
Like when you enter the room and all the faces are unfamiliar. And you’re not good at talking to new people. But you were genuinely trying to be better at it because you know it’s important to be able to meet new people. And yet, you are drawn to a familiar face. It’s comforting. You need that comfort. It’s someone you had known before. And that’s how you get through the moment. She was that familiar face for me. We had similar interests. We ran in and sought after the same circles. I could usually count on her to be there, and the same could be said of her about me.
First, it was a habit. And then it was just something that my brain held onto. A failsafe, as it were. Then suddenly it wasn’t. And now I can’t look out for her wherever she may be because she won’t be there. She can’t be.
(Music fades out and new music fades in)
You’ll find out pretty quickly that working from home is not as glamorous as you think it is. I mean, not having a commute is a major perk, even when some things aren’t happening. It used to take me an hour to get to work each day. My girlfriend needed thirty minutes. Now we’re both at home. With some extra time on our hands.
She’ll still be at home. Maybe you heard from your university, now your alma mater, that lecture classes with supposedly non controversial subjects are going to be remote guaranteed. They are safe for students to just listen to with headphones in, and there was never going to be a discussion component anyway. Some class sizes can’t easily have any sort of social distancing, and there’s only so many lecture halls that can be used, which aren’t easy to clean.
She’s teaching intro. And no, you never had her. I would know.
(Music fades out and new music fades in)
(sigh) But that’s… That’s great that her university wants to be responsible, but it does mean turning a corner of our apartment into a studio of sorts. She wants her stream to look nice. Now are any other faculty members going to this extent? No, and I told my girlfriend, this is like when an university freshman wears their lanyard everywhere, and everyone can clearly see from that lanyard that this person is a freshman because no seasoned university student wears their lanyard like that. And no seasoned professor goes to such lengths to teach a lecture class.
But she wants to create some semblance of normalcy. And I didn’t ask for whom. I just ordered some soft box lights off of the internet. They say it’s what YouTubers use for good lighting. So that might help.
It was good to hear the news. But the certainty only meant that things had to change. In a small way, I guess. Her plans had to change. Our home had to change. We couldn’t know what these changes would mean. But I guess it means I can watch her lectures, which will be nice.
We were desperate to know. Then we were just desperate for some sort of comfort. And then we found it. And we’re the lucky ones.
As for other jobs, your sort of job, I’ve found that using the same spot for meetings is best. From one private person to another of course. It limits the number of comments you get, so try to have your back either up against a wall or close to it. A white wall if you can, though maybe you want a picture or two just to make things seem… Normalish. I wouldn’t advise using a bookshelf. I did that and everyone wanted to know what all the books are. And saying, ‘They’re my partner’s’ didn’t take me as far as I would have liked.
(Music fades out and new music fades in)
I wish I could tell you what your future holds beyond that. What people you’ll meet and how great of friends you’ll have. I wish I could tell you things would be okay. Even if it was a lie to say that I could see it. What’s the harm in giving you assurances even if I have nothing to back them up?
I don’t know. But I know there would be harm in some way.
You are giving me your trust, and I know you want my honesty. I owe you my honesty because of that trust. It’s a transaction. And while other transactions are different. Others can have complications brought in and have everyone be better off for the trouble. But that’s not the case here. It wouldn’t be for you.
There was a deception that set up this loss, right? Don’t worry about the details for now. Don’t split hairs for now. What good would any of it do? You are trying to move forward, and while you could learn from your past mistakes, there isn’t enough data there for a hard conclusion. You remember that lesson, don’t you? You can’t just assert that things are true. You need documentation behind it. You need to gather up the details, but you won’t be able to gather up the details.
And you shouldn’t risk who you are. You should not risk changing who you are. Not for any reason. But it’s because of that--because I’ve seen this part of you--that I do know things will get better for you. I know you will fall on your feet. I know you will have people in your life, new people, who will love and value you. They will appreciate your presence in their life and not take you granted.
No, I don’t know the future. But I know you. And I’m grateful for that. But for now, you have to trust me. You’ll find your way if you keep moving forward, I promise. Certainty was hard to come by. Certainty about the kind of people your friends were was hard at first but you have it now. And now it just hurts. But it will get better. That I know.
(Music fades out. Beep)
The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?