Client KG2.50F - Session 2

(Beep. Music fades in)

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger lately. As you know, considering you’ve been listening in on all of the sessions. You know, I never really thought to the idea that the clients would be listening to each other’s tapes after they realized that there was a set meant for them. Well, I know of a couple people who did and of a couple who didn’t. It really does seem to be a “to each their own” type situation. But I don’t think about it too much. Just as a general rule.

And to answer a question that you have, I’m okay, dealing with it. I don’t like it, but it’s not so unfamiliar to me. To be maybe overly honest even if it’s nothing I have not said before on other tapes and in other sessions, I tend to hold onto anger. It finds me wherever I am. It seeps in. It docks against my soul and happily parks itself, and I could reject it. I could push it away. I could refuse its attempts to lock onto me. But I don’t. It fits so perfectly against me, so naturally that it starts to feel like my birthright in many regards. And maybe that’s what it is. 

But I am grateful that it has never taken the same level of control over me that it did my mother. I am grateful that it does not strike outwards, towards others. But inwards, towards me.

As I have always seen it, this way, things are manageable. These fields are mine to repair, after all. These structures are mine to build and rebuild at my leisure, and even if I do not always respect their limitations, I know where they are. I can’t say the same about anyone else.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I have a story to tell you. Something happened between me and my girlfriend once that I think is somewhat relevant to you. She thought she was helping me by giving me space when I was upset about something, particularly when it was something that happened between us or something she might have done. Like, I would try to be a good partner and communicate when something was wrong. And she would listen. All the while, thinking about how some things can cut unexpectedly deep with me. And then she would give me space. Then when it was time, she would fix it, but she would always overcorrect. 

(Sigh). Look, I don’t want to give the internet a bunch of details about my relationship. But let’s say I told her that maybe it would be more fair if she made breakfast a few days a week. And she would agree. She would ask me what I would want for breakfast, and I would say that I wanted peanut butter waffles. She then agrees that this is a good plan for our breakfast the next day. But in the morning, I come out to the kitchen to find that she has cooked steak and eggs. Not an easy thing to make, sure. And maybe some people would prefer that to peanut butter waffles, but I am also earnestly trying to lower my meat intake. So there’s a problem.

But I would never be angry with her about it. I would just be angry at myself because it was my fault for asking for anything in the first place. If I hadn’t, well, I’d be so much better off. I could just go make my own peanut butter waffles. Or get some fruit. Or some cereal. I would have had options.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

In the face of all that, I stopped communicating. And she noticed that I was in my own head a lot and would try to figure out what to make me for breakfast which always ended up with more steak and eggs. Until eventually, I just hit my breaking point. With myself. And had one of the worst anxiety attacks of my life because of how ungrateful and destructive I was being.

(Pause) We’re better now, but I still don’t think she entirely trusts me to be forthcoming anymore. When something’s wrong, when she thinks something is wrong, she tries to study me and break down my energy. But I don’t think she always trusts her own conclusions. Not anymore. And maybe things between us will never be what they once were. I worry about that, but we’re working on it.

I think about the look on her face when she found me in the bathroom, and I… Well, I can definitely say that anger directed inward is not so much better than that directed outward. In the end, it’s all destruction. Inward anger might be easier to get through a moment, but if you let it fester, the collateral damage will still be worse than you can imagine. It can still get you, you know. There’s nothing all too safe about swallowed anger. Particularly the anger you carry.

And that’s nothing you haven’t heard before, right? Which I think is an important distinction to make. Because that’s what my reaction would have been. How much of our stories line up, I want to ask you. I need to ask you. Because it’s an answer you have. It’s why you kept listening through the backlog of episodes. Admittedly, there’s going to be quite a few now. And a season break is a fine starting point. But though it was going to take you some time to get through it all, it was the oracle’s tale that drew you in and sealed the deal. That's the part you were interested in. And I bet you wonder why there weren't any more installments, right? Why isn’t my story continuing? 

I’m sure you had many potential and completely reasonable explanations for this. But none of it is true. The fact is, the reason is, that our next steps are intertwined. So my story is yours with some details carefully rearranged or represented. Maybe enough to create a tail that doesn’t exactly link to me but links to another person.

All the same, the anger remains. The question is. What to do with it?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

It’s one that I’ve struggled to answer. Really, I never quite knew what to make of it. Anger might be my family legacy of mine, but it does not come with a deed explaining the details. In fact, it’s an inheritance that makes little sense. Because, for one, it seemed to skip over my mother’s siblings. And my cousins. It seems to be the sort of thing that latches onto the first born child. And their first born. It’s not a curse, exactly, but it might as well be. From one daughter to another. Given to her by her father: the eldest son.  And who knows where that first break was. Who knows how it came to be. But you can’t truly purge yourself from this demon. And maybe you should not.

If I had let my girlfriend know I was angry, if I had said it as it was happening, if I had been more firm instead of self-loathing, that would not have happened. We would have been far better off. 

But no, I sat in my anger. And let it fester and attack me. 

Little did I realize that anger is a sign that something is wrong. Or that you perceive something is. That’s what I’ve come realize. And anger is a neutral observation or perception. It might not be justified. But it could be. It could not. You can’t assume. Not now. There are really very few things you can assume anything and not have everything  go awry.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

But you and I have so much to be angry about, right? There were a lot of things wrong with what happened around us and to us. Children aren’t supposed to be rejected by their parents. They are not supposed to be pushed away. And in my case, there’s no type of parental loss that’s really justifiable in childhood. Not at all. It’s not something the young and delicate should have to suffer. And so we get to be angry about it. 

Something was wrong. And we know it.

Anger should be dispelled, you will say. And yes, that’s what I would say. But if anger is the observation that things are wrong, then shouldn’t its resolution be to make things right. That is where we hesitate because some things can’t be corrected, can they? I know this. But you don’t want to admit it. No matter what anyone else will say some things cannot be restored. And some wounds never fully fade and become scars instead. The sound of the bell can not be sucked back into the metal even with a thousand pleas. If you don’t believe me, take a random glass and slam it onto the table. How many apologies will it take to pull the pieces back together?

Common sense also could answer that one. There’s no need to check. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You have anger. I have anger. You want to direct it at yourself. And so do I.

But well… Well, my girlfriend loses seconds each day studying me needlessly because I did not tell her when I was hurt. I did not tell her when I noticed something was wrong. When I felt a mild and very soft anger. And those seconds will become minutes. And then it will be hours of her life spent obsessed with the silence that very well will mean nothing. You don’t think there’s a cost to your choices. But there will always be. There are always consequences. Acceptable or not. And when it comes to that acceptable label, I don’t think you should use your own standards or judgments right now. That’s what I did, and that’s what I regret. I want you to think about the people on the other side. That’s what I have started to do.

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?