Client KG2.50F - Session 1

(Beep. Music fades in.)

I agree it’s not a bad space to be in. That room is actually pretty nice. And while you might mean that as a way to justify not putting in the effort or the expense or… related activities required to improve or customize the room, I genuinely mean that it’s not a bad space to be in. Just as a baseline standard, sort of thing.

Look, I know… Well, I know you don’t necessarily care about me. But you know me. You heard about this podcast randomly on your podcaster. It just came up thanks to… However that app in particular works, I’m not familiar. But regardless, you saw this podcast and you thought, “Hey, that’ll fill the silence. And that’s what I need. A silence filler. Something to fill the silence that isn’t the same Netflix movie on repeat because… Well, aren’t they probably tracking that.”

For the record, I think they’re tracking it, but that’s not the point. You saw this somewhat simplistic podcast cover and according to the description it was about… well, dreams. Another person’s dreams. Which made it a low stakes listen. And perfect for what you needed in times like this. 

I get it. I really do. I could go on and on about the things I’ve been doing to fill the silence in my own home. Well, it’s not even that silent or a literal silence. It’s just sometimes I need to keep myself busy.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

My girlfriend’s here. And she’s teaching this seminar class, so during class time, I have to make myself scarce. Because really, does anyone want to see their professor’s partner? I personally didn’t like thinking about my instructor’s lives. And while we’re both sure that her university would be okay with… Well, everything. She’s still a baby assistant professor with no luck to push. So we keep things simple. She broadcasts to her students. And I sit on the floor of the kitchen, usually with the oven running. 

Oh and I’m not baking bread, mind you. I totally understand that trend. It’s a lot of fun to make bread, but my girlfriend bakes this amazing sweet loaf that is just always my first pick. So she’ll make that for me. And I make literally anything else. Today I made lemon bars! 

(sigh) Look, sometimes I feel like I can’t complain about this whole thing. Because for one, this self-imposed quarantine helps a lot of people. Also… Maybe, kind of, sort of I could have asthma, and as that sentence shows, I am not taking the potential asthma seriously enough to even get a diagnosis confirmed. So safety, right? Safety for myself and others and yeah. 

But beyond that, both my girlfriend and I are still employed. So is her mom. My mom isn’t, but we’re able to get her through this. Because we all still have each other. That’s the big thing. My girlfriend and I have each other. Every morning and every night, we hold each other close. And everything… Well, it doesn’t feel okay, but it feels like there’s hope. She comforts me when I’m scared. And… Well, I don’t know exactly what I do. But I guess I do something.

Anyway, we make a home for each other. We came together and made the sort of home that I--at least--dreamed of having when I was younger. 

I always thought I would find home when I moved out. But it wasn’t in the barren studio apartments I would jump between. Instead, it’s in this kind of empty two bedroom apartment. At least when someone else is here with me.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You know you could walk out of this room and talk to everybody out there, right? Anytime you want. In fact, you think you can hear them laughing. When you left them, they were going to start a board game, right? And your cousin is super into board games, so they are some really fun ones on those shelves. Like gold tier stuff. And you like board games too. So you just should go out there and play. Maybe that seems simple, but it’s hard, isn’t it?

It shouldn’t be, as you know. I mean, you’ve known them your whole life. And family’s family. Or that’s how some people say it. Problem is… Well, they mean that in a different way.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

More often than not, they’re talking about the immediate so-called nuclear family you fell into when you were born. Personally, I was never a fan of either that saying or that model. Because things happen. Some people are terrible and some people… Well, they die. And then what are you supposed to do? Do you just sit there and be sad because you don’t have what everyone else has anymore. Because, once again, something happened. 

In your case, choices were made. Choices that had little to do with you. And I say that to mean you only suffered from them. That was a touch of relevance but hardly more. And yet it still technically counts on the “having to do with you front.” That’s something. That makes this relevant to do. And that doesn’t change because you landed on your feet. Or with your other family. 

So why aren’t you happy, you want to ask yourself. Frankly, I would want to know why you think of everything in terms of a fairy tale-esque cause-effect or start-ending or… Whatever, I guess.

(sigh) Look, you’ve been listening to the other sessions and tapes and all those things, right? Or they’ve been playing in the background of your life. Point is, you’ve caught bits and pieces, so I don’t have to do as much explaining as I would have with some other… Clients? (exhale) I would love to know if you think that word works because I’ve never been quite sure if it does. I just started using it, and now I’m kind of stuck. 

But beyond them, beyond the specific people I need to talk to, beyond exposition that sometimes gets complicated and absurd and unbelievable, there’s you and other audience members. Which leads to a related fear of mine. I guess, sometimes… Well, sometimes the advice lands and sometimes it doesn’t. Partially because everyone who listens to any podcast out there is coming to it with their own story, and I do not know all those stories.

Season 1 was about connections, you could say. And that was a surprisingly sore subject for you. Well, not surprising for you or me or anyone in the know. But surprising to the general population because… Well, most people would assume that your aunt and uncle are actually--in every sense like in the biological sense--your mother and father. Having surrogate parents in your genetic pool has its advantages, doesn’t it? It helps you avoid questioning. It helps you avoid looks or other assumptions. 

Doesn’t change that you feel bad though. You feel bad that you chose to quarantine with them and not your actual biological parents. 

I have a feeling whatever I say to you isn’t going to be anything new. I mean, you do have a good circle of people around you. But maybe, MAYBE, as someone else who came from a dysfunctional family, my perspective might mean a little more to you. Maybe, I should say again. MAYBE. No guarantees. No promises. Because guarantees and promises live the future. I don’t know the future. Only the present. 

You decide the future. Will you choose to listen to me or not? Connections. Choices. What do you think is next? I genuinely want to know.

(Beep. Music fades out)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?