Client DR.HA.110 - let me try this again

(Beep. Fade in)

I don't know what to say. Besides, I'm sorry. I should not know about any of this. You were always such a private person. Or at least, you seemed like it. Then again, it might have just been part of the profession. Healthy boundaries and all that, but I always got the impression that this is just how you are. Or how you want to be.

That makes this so much harder. Well, yes, it's technically just another thing to make this harder. Every part about this is hard. I don't even know if you want to hear my voice or if you've genuinely come to hate me. (Pause.) Id be willing to bet on the latter especially if I'm right about what happened when I left. And that makes me kind of stupid for reaching out to you, right? I mean, the only smart thing for me to do would be to accept my fate and leave you be.

Well I can't. I had to try to something.

I know I shouldn't try. That I have no business trying. That I can't expect you to listen. But you know what? I'm not stupid. I'm desperate.

I think I've tried to barter with every deity you don't believe in trying to secure your safety. And that hasn't seemed to do anything. Partially because, I suspect, I don't have anything of value to offer, especially when it comes to things I wouldn't eagerly give up. And I imagine the concept of sacrifice is the important part in this exchange . I mean, my go to was this weird ability I seem to have, but I'm so willing to lose it that offering it up genuinely means nothing.

(Pause)

I know you don't believe in anything like this. I know that with the same degree of confidence that I know I shouldn't know anything about your wife. You never mentioned her to me or in class. And it doesn't matter if there was a reason or not. You never gave me that information, and it's yours to distribute. Not mine to take. Circumstances haven't changed that. Not here.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

When the first dream started, I should have just woken myself up. Sometimes I can. And sometimes I can't. Not sure what determines success on that front. Exhaustion I'd guess. The more tired I am, the harder it would be to wake myself up. But I really don't know. Regardless, I could have at least tried. I owed you that much.

After all there was a brief period of time between your appearance and hers that I could have spent trying and maybe succeeding at respecting your privacy and not intruding on a space that I have no permission to enter.

Or at least, I could have looked away. Turned my figurative or dream head. That usually works. But then again, even if it didn't. I could have at least tried.

But I didn't. Because…

(Beep. Music fades in)

I had every intention of clearing the air with you before I left campus. Largely for my own sake. It was the not knowing that bothered me the most. But while that could have been fixed, it was also like a drug. It was destroying me in some regard, but it numbed other pains and distracted me from other troubles.

Until we spoke, until I heard you say what the truth was, i was in something that might be incorrectly referred to as a Schrodinger's dilemma, I could both assume that you knew and assume you didn't. Or I could grieve as if you did while still hoping that you didn't. Whichever was convenient.

And I liked that. It let me do whatever I could handle doing. And also, I was going through the motions without the problems of commitment. And lots of people like things like that. Or that's what my mother tells me whenever my dating life comes up in conversation.

(Pause)

I know the result of this is nothing. Or it rounds down to nothing. Practically nothing. I'm just scared to know what she told you. So scared.

(Beep. Music fades in)

I don't know if I've ever seen anyone smile like you did when you saw her. In the dream of course. And I can see why. I mean, I should not. Because the reason I do is that I looked her up online. I mean I looked you up first, when the nightmares first started. The internet is a terrible resource sometimes. Sure, you can see everything but that includes everything you could ever dread.

As her spouse, you were obviously in her obituary. And with her obituary being both new and gaining a lot of traction, because she was well loved, it came up right away. And once I had her name, I couldn't stop myself. It was her smile. Or her eyes. Actually I don't really know.

But that's just how she was, right? The type to pull you in?

(Beep. Music fades in.)

I did not want to tell her my secret. Saying that might actually make everything look worse, right? Because if I didn't want to tell her, why did I?

Because it was hard sitting alone with this. But you know that. And she promised me the figurative salvation I was desperate for. And that might seem dramatic or [insert similar word here]. But I can always make it worse. That's one of my talents. One of the many I did not want to tell you about.

I only trusted her because she hugged me once. When I picked up my final paper from her. It wasn't even a particularly bad semester for me or a low point in my life. In fact, it was the same semester I took your class, so I was actually coming off of a great high. But highs or lows, I'll always have my baggage, right?

And even if she never meant to, she played right into it. Or with it.

(Beep. Music fades in)

I never meant to invade your life. Really. I was only desperate for confirmation that you were alive. Not even that you had died in any other way. I needed you to be alive.

I'm sorry. I was so desperate to know that I crossed so many lines. I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. Once I started, I couldn't stop.

(Beep. Music fades in.)

You were trying to teach me to stand on my own two feet. That was one of the many takeaways you built into the class. The class that I loved so much. I wasn't lying when I told you that. I loved that class, and it's like I didn't listen. Or I did, but I didn't bother to apply those lessons when they mattered most.

She pushed. I could have pushed back. It's not like she could have done anything about it. Anything I couldn't have taken to the department chair, that is.

(Pause)

I thought it was her, okay? In the dream. I thought that's who I was seeing. And I was scared. That's why I looked. I didn't know that was your wife. Okay? I didn't know. It's an honest mistake. They're both brunettes. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Are you even listening to me? Professor, please, can you hear me?