Client C1a.84 - Session 4

(Beep. Music fades in.)

I know you’re waiting for my reaction with bated breath. And that’s actually kind of exciting. Like this sort of thing never happens to me. Honestly, it should be about what you like and not about what your oracle thinks, anyway, but like, I get it, you took a pretty big leap and not everyone is reacting well, and the more time passes the more your uncertainty is able to get a word in. And then there’s me who is supposedly here to provide clarity, and where is that clarity? You’re a big girl. You can handle it, right?

(Pause)

Look, it does look nice. You were right. Darker colors frame your features better, and with your eyes being a bit… reflective, I think the term is, then maybe it’s better to give them something innocuous to reflect. With that in mind, darker color does give your eyes substance, and it better hides what you are feeling.

And that leads to the other issue, doesn’t it? The one we really should be talking about, but as nervous as you are about your appearance, this other thing scares you more. So you hide behind the nervousness surrounding your physical appearance because like they said at the salon, you can always change it up again.

Are you more afraid of what I’m going to say about him? Or her? Or the houseplant you were briefly neglecting when you were distracted. Easiest thing first. Regarding the houseplant, I lack any green in either of my thumbs, so I definitely have no ground to criticize you on that front.

But--more importantly--if I thought getting rid of him was going to be easy, I would have just sent you a bunch of things I couldn’t possibly know without psychic abilities along with the message that a vacant bed and home was warmer than what you currently have. Knowing you like I do, that would have worked surprisingly well.

However, I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. That approach could only truly and properly work if this was a “yes or no,” simple and straightforward situation. And this isn’t. Few things in life are.

And that’s why I wanted you to start with a mental map. The bleed I talked about is still very much there, and that’s represents all these complications in your life. Because this could never just be about physical space or presence. You could technically pull away any time you went, but up until recently, you couldn’t even fathom what would fall away if you did. What would fall into the cracks that separation would create. And even in the worst of the relationships actual lives have been intertwined, and without a catalyst to tear them apart, the process can be hard, assuming it is even possible.

(Music fades out)

And you’re now wondering what the catalyst could be. If you can manufacture it. Or if you can just find it at the store on the corner. That yeah... by the way, it did shut down. I know it’s a little vague. There’s no sign.

(New music fades in)

Seriously and honestly, though, you have to be that catalyst. Not me. I can’t do it. Not her. She can’t do it either.

No, you’re not wrong in thinking she brings in a bunch of other complications and concerns nor are you wrong for being afraid of them. In fact, they probably should scare you a little bit. Fear shouldn’t always be a deterrent. After all, life is intertwined with terrors, and living means diving into them or dancing with them. Pick your metaphor of choice.

I understand why you feel like that’s what’s next for you. That she’s what’s next for you.  Even if everyone would question your logic. I mean, in their defense rebounds are never great, but you have to be the judge if that’s what this is. You’ve been alone in a meaningful way for a while. Long before you became aware of it. Co-existence never guaranteed intimacy, however you may want to pretend otherwise. And I would say rebounding would be jumping from one potential font of intimacy to another, but your well has been dry for quite a while.

But I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m telling you what the outside sees and what is there around you that you’ve started to filter out as a result of its constant presence in your life. With that perspective, you can then decide what to do.

But in saying that, though, problems are starting to collide, aren’t they? Because the choices of your life have never been yours to make.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Aesthetically, you two do--in fact--make the perfect couple and supply your parents with many mantel-worthy pictures. Almost like artwork, but there’s something unnerving about calling it “still-life.” And you only know that because on your last visit home you were desperate to find the right term. You thought having it would be comforting, somehow.

Too much time with academics, probably. Too much time knee-deep in their work where word choice and being picky about it is to be expected as you try to make it as marketable and consumable as possible. Yes, you always lead with your skills, but did you really think that was a wall that couldn’t be crossed? You always had this habit of connecting with people, even when you didn’t mean to, and I doubt you could ever turn that off. Nor should you. You could never nor should you ever stop seeing someone for a being capable of suffering. And that has created its own problems.

But that woman down the hall is okay. She will be. In time. Her life is settling into a new normal, and she’s learning to find herself in it. But maybe you already knew that. Somewhere deep where you don’t acknowledge it. You just juggle so many of their concerns, don’t you?

So much of them has reached you, infiltrated you. Like this little habit. In part because you found value in it. There’s something comforting for you about splitting hairs. Figuratively splitting hairs  It’s one manifestation of that nervous tick you developed when you were a child. Your parents’ reaction to it was almost ironic, or it could have been had it not been so mean-spirited. After all, they hated your nervous habit, but they gave you so many reasons to retreat to it. They pushed you deeper into it until it became a very different type of destruction.

That is, until you found a different refuge to hide in. I don’t think it’s weird that philosophy became a crutch for you. That would be hypocritical of me to think. I genuinely have no room to judge you. Whatever works, I’ve come to decide, at least at first. The rest can come later.

Yes, you will lose them if you chose to pull your life free from him. Never mind what comes after. They seeped into his line, you could say, but we both know that, in reality,  it was the first time they had ever really been in your space at all.
And no, there was no reason for it. They didn’t know. They never cared to figure that part out. You are as you are, and they are as they are. And sometimes it’s convenient when people don’t overlap.

(Pause)

If you want me to tell you to break off all contact with them, I can’t do that. No psychic or therapist really should, in my opinion. But I could be wrong. Remember, though, you’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. You have to pay, so you need to figure out how much you can bear to spend. Or lose

The rest of us are just here to guide you.

(Music fades out. Beep.)