Client C1A.84 - Session 1

(Beep. Music fades in.)

You’re beautiful. That may not help you realize that I'm talking to you. But you needed to hear it. You're beautiful. And you haven't heard those words in a while. I could give you the specifics on when the last time was, but what would a hard date matter?

What matters is that you haven't heard them in a while. In fact, it's been far too long since you last heard those. We both know that. And we both know that those may just be words, but there's a reserve deep in your soul that is empty now. We all have one, and it naturally drains with time, but for most people, it’s usually refreshed, topped off by certain people in their life, so the pool is never truly empty. No one is refreshing you. Someone should. But he has failed. And you are empty

You could know that, if you would let yourself know that, but no one can blame you for this, for your ignorance. I think you’re doing what you need to, to survive.

Instead of blame, let me give you or regift you what you know to be true. Because no matter how far you have drifted, that's where we can find each other.

You have hair that curls tightly, but it fluctuates between blonde and brunette. (Pause). Yes, I meant that in two different ways.

You spend a few minutes of each day wishing you could be taller because he keeps putting the coffee on the top shelf of the cabinet above the sink. And even though you need it desperately first thing in the morning, it's been left some place where you can't get it. Or you can but not as easily as someone should be able to get the essentials in a place they call home. It annoys you, but then you ask yourself where else it could go. And instead of answering the question, you assume there is no answer and move on.

You were once told that you have a beautiful smile, but your lower lip tends to crack, and the Cupid's bow on your top lip draws attention to how thin your lips really are, so now you don't want to smile. Not so much. You also think the arc of your nose is wrong and that your ears stick out much too far.

I've heard you say many things about yourself. Many of them worse than what I've put here. These aren’t my thoughts; these are yours. You say these things to yourself. But you already knew that.

Maybe it was hard at first to believe me, but now, well, are you listening? Have I proven myself to you? That I know you? That I know you’re hurting?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I know this is scary. Or at least unsettling. After all, I'm making you question the very nature of your reality, aren't I? Unnamed strangers across the internet aren't supposed to know our most intimate thoughts. And yet here I am, reciting them back to you.

Do you hate me for it? It wasn't intentional, I swear. Love, these dreams about other people, their lives and struggles, their thoughts and secrets, these are all things I never sought out. They just are here. They are part of my reality. And now, I've made them yours. I've shifted things around for you. I’ve left you’re world spinning.

This isn't the biggest shift your reality has suffered through, right? It's the only one you are sure is happening.

Yes, everything has shifted. Yes, you have experienced other shifts. My confirmation helps, though, doesn't it? But my confirmation is not everything. My confirmation is all you have. It’s everything you have, but it’s not everything.

My invasion into your life isn't the worst thing to happen to you. You know this. You don't know what the worst thing is and for that you know to be grateful. After all, only the traumatic truly burns into your memory. But my bringing this up is making you uncertain.

Your life is better than most, and unlike most, you are grateful for it. He has led you to feel that way, which may be the one good thing he has given you if you are the ends justify the means type of person. And to give you a confession of my own, I don't really like those type of people. They tend to be overly self-righteous: the suburban middle aged woman who has lost control of her own life once the kid ran their course and now feels the need to spread that disease as wide as possible. And that's a generous characterization. Very, very generous. It was hard for me to muster that one. I think I've earned a cookie for that, if you don't mind. Chocolate chip preferably but I will take oatmeal if it's the frosted kind.

(Pause)

Did I make you laugh? I hope I did. In my defense, I’ve heard your laughter in my dreams and was in awe of the sound. Really, it has a delicate nature to it. Delicate and easily crushed.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Tell me, because this I genuinely don’t know, when was the last time you laughed like that? You did it all the time a while ago. It must have felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was another life. Your life before him?

I can’t help you with that life. Only this one. I want to help you with this one. (Music cuts)

Are you listening? (Music fades in)

(Music fades out. Beep)